This secret document uncovers the new titles we can expect from Microsoft in coming months.

Alphabet Soup

This secret document uncovers the new titles we can expect from Microsoft in coming months.

• By Em C. Pea
• 02/01/1999

As the winter chill seeps into your bones, let Auntie offer you some hot soup. Alphabet soup, that is, fresh from the cozy kitchen of Chef Boy Our Bill in Redmond, where the air is redolent with the aroma of new certifications being created faster than a hotfix list after an NT Service Pack release.

The new MCDBA certification has Em wondering what other new titles are coming from Microsoft. So, I went dumpster diving and surfaced with this document (buried among file boxes labeled “Antitrust: Destroy Immediately”):

New Microsoft Certifications

• MCROODDP (Microsoft Certified Relational Object-Oriented Distributed Database Pundit). Certification for those whose sole skill consists of digesting and spewing out buzzwords du jour without having the slightest clue what they mean. This is a growing, vocal, and highly paid segment of IT that will be well served by our stamp of approval. Requirements: 10 percent of their billables come to us; that ought to buy a few more Monets. And they have to read Chapter One of the User’s Guide for every one of our products that begins with the letter “Q.”
• MCSO (Microsoft Certified Something or Other). Finally, a certification for those who just pass Networking Essentials.
• MCRS (Microsoft Certified Reboot Specialist). We believe the MCSE should be changed to this more appropriate designation. Prerequisites: MCSE status. Additional requirements: Able to find the power button on eight out of ten enterprise-grade servers while blindfolded; able to press Ctrl-Alt-Del while dead. We should investigate whether CompUSA would let us use their stores as testing centers for this one. Oh, right—we already are using the retail marketplace as a testing center!
• MCATS (Microsoft Certified Adaptive Test Specialist). Must accept pass or fail results while taking the pre-exam tutorial. It all depends on whether or not we like you. Really—what you know or don’t know is totally irrelevant, but if you don’t study hard, we’ll know it and fail your sorry butt.
• MCSD+WSA (Microsoft Certified Solution Developer+Wild Sexual Adventures). Our attempt to make this a more attractive certification. We’ll supply the DNA, if you know what I mean.
• MCY2KSS (Microsoft Certified Year 2000 Survival Specialist). Must pass NT Server Core and Enterprise, SMS 2.0, Deciding Which of Your Less-Prepared Neighbors Can Enter the Bunker, and Building NT-Capable Computers from Post-Apocalyptic Rubble.

We believe the positives of Microsoft certification may extend beyond the computer industry as well. We will pilot with the following program:

• MCLW (Microsoft Certified Litigation Weasel). Why pay attorneys who’ve graduated from law school when our certification legitimizes the ability to wear $3,000 suits and speak in tongues? Requirements: So You Wanna Be A Lawyer? (Exam 666-666) and Leegul Ethiks (Exam 666-6666). Leegul Ethiks is an open-book exam.

This document got Auntie thinking about how the certification has expanded from the MCP, MCSD, MCT, and MCSE to include the MCSE+I, MCP+I, MCP+Site Building, and now the MCDBA. Do the certifications lose their effectiveness or credibility when there are so many of them? I wonder whether all these additions to the group are really necessary.

Since the ID card was pulled as an MCP benefit, you have only your MCP transcript to show to potential employers or customers—it’s a good opportunity to test them. Can they figure out that a couple of NT certifications and some SQL Server certifications might mean you could possibly be—by a remote stretch of the imagination—a SQL DBA? If they can’t deduce that one, you’ll have a tough time explaining anything technical to them. Likewise with the Internet and Site Building MCP+’s (though Auntie’s OK with the MCSE+I—nine passes deserves an extra gong).

It is alphabet soup, isn’t it? Any more certifications and we’ll have to switch to Unicode to fit them into our transcripts. Are you listening, Bill? Good. Now sit up straight, eat your soup, and don’t slurp.